A modest proposal for a Congressional campaign

To the Editor:
Hello. My name is Piere Pickinese. I plan to run for congress on a rather ultraconservative platform, the main issue being the elimination of discrimination by insurance companies on restaurants that continue to serve rare steaks.
I will attend every vote, literally leashing myself to my seat in congress. I will always vote woof or no since abstain is beyond my vocabulary. I promise to use my instincts and never to rely on the weather bureau to decide which way the wind is blowing before voting.
In all fairness and in an effort to demonstrate my commitment that all humans, sorry canines, are equal and all of the same species and are just variations of the same ancestral wolf, sorry again…well most likely not if I refer to men, I will never  allow the president to rent out the White House bedroom to just like minded females…my first bill will be to direct the NIH to fund and once and for all put to the test the theory that any race of canine can interbreed, with myself making the male part of the sacrifice every night in the interest of demonstrating my ample take charge leadership abilities.
As such I will always greet my electorate with a grin every morning and start our day off rosy instead of pessimistic.
Finally, in a nod to tradition, I promise to lick every child's face, not only during the campaign, and put a fire hydrant at every street corner in lieu of public safety, of course, and never political kickbacks.
Signed: Please send bones to my action committee.
Larry Rubin