Pisani (opinion) I will not flip-flop on this position - ban this footwear

So what if I wear socks with my sandals? You don’t like that? Then arrest me. Cancel me. Call me a deplorable. Rat me out to Anna Wintour. I don’t care. I believe in freedom of fashion. I believe in rugged individualism. I believe in America, the land of the footloose and fancy-free!

All my life I’ve been vilified by fashionistas, who insist that wearing socks with sandals violates the fundamental laws of fashion, puritanical podiatry and Aristotelian aesthetics. Do you want to know what really violates aesthetics? My small toe. It’s a terrifying sight, and I don’t want to submit myself to ridicule by publicly exposing it, anymore than I would want to expose Al Pacino or Daniel Craig by taking off their toupees.

I wear socks so I won’t “trigger” young people. If they saw my gnarled small toe, they’d go running through the streets, screaming in terror as if Godzilla were breathing down their necks.

Everyone should wear socks with sandals because toes aren’t the prettiest part of our anatomy. The Kardashians, for example, can change every body part they want with cosmetic surgery and PhotoShop, from their bosoms to their butts ... but not their toes. Have you ever seen their toes? Neither have I. I rest my case.

Whenever my wife complains because I wear socks with sandals, I tell her, “You’re the one who should be wearing them. Look at that big toe.” (Just kidding, Dear.)

But let me get to the point of this column. Summer’s here, and I have something important to talk about that’s a matter of national and personal security. It’s a public health crisis and a public safety crisis combined: FLIP-FLOPS ARE DANGEROUS.

You should not be wearing flip-flops, especially if you work on the Ford assembly line or you operate heavy machinery or you take the subway or you have you crooked toes. Flip-floppers of America, do not send me angry emails. I speak out of concern for your safety and the safety of your big toes.

I’ve written about this urgent issue before, and I won’t stop writing about it. I refuse to be silenced. (Countless columnists wrote about Donald Trump week after week, so I should be allowed to write about toe protection a few dozen times.)

I’m so committed to this cause I’m doing a five-part series titled, “The Hidden Dangers of Flip-Flops,” which I know will finally win me a Pulitzer Prize unless the judges wear flip-flops and are biased. The New York Times has probably already assigned a team of investigative reporters to cover this issue with the sole purpose of denying me my prize.

Unlike the rest of you, I follow the science wherever it takes me. There is extensive research that proves flip-flops are the most dangerous shoe you can wear. Auburn University concluded that flip-flops lead to ankle, leg and foot pain. Orthopedic experts say they can cause bad posture, hammer toes, back pain, bunions, bone spurs, skin cancer and tendonitis, not to mention you could get your foot crushed racing through Grand Central at rush hour. (Plus, when Godzilla comes to town, you won’t be able to run in flip-flops.)

I bet you didn’t know flip-flops contribute to global warming. They’re made from synthetic materials and are not sustainable, so follow Greta Thunberg’s example and wear army boots or go barefoot.

To solve this crisis, we need a leader of Michael Bloomberg’s caliber. He wasn’t afraid to ban Big Gulp when he was mayor of New York. But since he didn’t get elected president or even vice president, we have to turn to our next best leader — Dr. Fauci, a man who recognizes the

jbreunig@stamfordadvocate.com

importance of lung AND toe protection. Now that he’s solved the COVID pandemic, I urge him to support a constitutional amendment banning flip-flops. I also urge him to urge Americans to use those worthless face masks to cover up their toes when they wear sandals. (Celebrities such as Chelsea Handler are already using face masks on other body parts, but I’m won’t get into that again.)

At the very least, I implore our surgeon general to require a warning on flip-flops that says: “Flip-flops have been known to cause foot injuries in the state of California.”

This is my journalistic duty. If I can save only one big toe, my crusade will not have been in vain. Besides, it might be your toe.

Joe Pisani can be reached at joefpisani@yahoo.com.