Joe Pisani: How I would spend President Biden’s $2 trillion — on public toilets and bongs for Schumer

Some people say President Joe Biden’s $2 trillion infrastructure plan will keep bridges from collapsing, others say it will make the economy collapse. I’m optimistic. As Bobby Kennedy once said: “Some men (and women) see things as they are, and say why? I dream of things that never were, and say why not?” I don’t think he was talking about potholes, but you get the idea.

The $2 trillion will do more than repair highways, bridges and railways. This is a cosmic plan designed to repair the universe. I heartily agree with New York Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, who says infrastructure can be anything we want it to be, so I hope they’ll put public restrooms at the top of the list. (As Bobby said, “Why not?”) You know how important they are if you’ve ever needed a place to go while you were running through Grand Central to catch a train.

To me, “infrastructure” means projects such as leaky hot water heaters and septic tank repairs. I’d love to use some of that money, which includes my taxpayer dollars, to have my gutters cleaned this fall, rather than get up on the ladder myself. There must be one person among those 2.7 million new jobs who knows how to clean gutters.

As exhaustive as Joe Biden’s list is, he left off some important stuff.

First of all, a dog poop pandemic is sweeping America, and if we can’t go to our president to solve this crisis, where can we go? I know he’s dealing with a lot of crises, but this one is urgent. I propose we add a line item that pays for poop bags — biodegradable of course — so dog owners can pick up after their pets, especially in my neighborhood. Dogs are always pooping on sidewalks, and sidewalks qualify as infrastructure. So why not?

The bill should also include a $10,000 Cannondale electric bike for Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg, who likes to pedal to Cabinet meetings. He should have nothing but the best. As you know, Cannondale is headquartered in Connecticut even though its bikes are manufactured in Taiwan.

I also believe we should finance a bong or two for Sen. Chuck Schumer, who’s pushing national legislation to legalize pot. That way, he’ll be able to give toking classes during congressional hearings, if those reading glasses don’t fall off his nose.

In addition, my street and driveway need repaving because of the constant traffic from Amazon trucks. Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, should be paying for this project. That guy is a trillionaire-in-training who could pay for half this infrastructure bill himself, so why isn’t he? How much corporate tax does Amazon pay anyway?

Now, get in my time machine and let’s travel back in history. Those of you old enough to remember the invention of bell bottoms and tie-dyed T-shirts surely recall a man named Lyndon Johnson. (No, young people, he was not a contestant on “Dancing With the Stars.”) President Johnson was married to Lady Bird, and as first lady, she inspired us to beautify America at a time when litter was defacing the nation’s highways, playgrounds, roads and cities. This great land of ours looked like New York City’s Fresh Kills Landfill.

Lady Bird rehabilitated us. Lady Bird cured us of our habit of throwing trash out car windows. Lady Bird’s efforts led to the Highway Beautification Act of 1965. Do you remember the campaign that said, “Please, please, don’t be a litterbug, ’cause every litter bit hurts”? Do you remember honking when you saw someone littering? (URGENT ALERT: Do not try that today because you might get shot.)

You people who are snickering are probably the nitwits who keep throwing Dunkin’ Donuts coffee cups on my lawn, not to mention Red Bull cans and McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish wrappers.

We have a national litter crisis and sure could use Lady Bird’s help, but she’s in the Great Hereafter, so Lady Biden, aka Jill Biden PhD, will have to take up the cause because America is being litterized to death or litterocuted or whatever the word is.

In the immortal words of Lady Bird: “Ugliness is so grim. A little beauty, something that is lovely, can help create harmony, which will lessen tension.”

America is REALLY tense right now and we need to relax, which is precisely why Chuck Schumer wants a bong in every household.

Joe Pisani can be reached at