I finally read some good news. It turns out there are 155 more billionaires in the world. That\u2019s cause for celebration. Why? Because ever since I got my first paycheck from Iannucci & Son Mason Contractors, back when the minimum wage was $1.60, I\u2019ve been told that a rising tide lifts all boats. For those of you who don\u2019t have a degree in nautical safety, finance or political chicanery, that means if Sheik Abdul Vespucci makes more money from his oil wells, so will Oscar Lopez, who works at the McDonald\u2019s drive-through because, so the theory goes, billionaires share. Or maybe it\u2019s that billionaires care. And when you consider that 85 of the world\u2019s richest people have as much as the poorest 50% of humanity, they\u2019d better start sharing faster because there are many boats to lift. A list compiled by the Billionaire Census of Wealth-X and UBS shows the population of billionaires rose 7%, to 2,325. The average tycoon is a self-made man (there are only 286 women on the list), 63 years old, and married with two kids. The largest concentration of billionaires \u2014103 \u2014 lives in New York City, second only to Moscow. This makes me wonder: Why am I not on this list? I work in New York City. I\u2019m over 40. I\u2019m married with four kids, which means to say I should be a billionaire twice over. There are virtual youngsters on this list: Elizabeth Holmes, 30, net worth $4.5 billion, started a blood-testing company. Sean Parker, 34, net worth $3 billion, began Napster. Scott Duncan, 31, net worth $7 billion, inherited a fortune from his dad, who owned an energy pipeline company. Why didn\u2019t my father, who was a carpenter, leave me a few billion? Why didn\u2019t he follow the example of Beverly Hillbilly Jed Clampett and build our house on a deposit of bubbling crude, black gold, Texas tea? Why didn\u2019t he invent the microchip? For that matter, why didn\u2019t I invent the microchip? Just as I was getting depressed because my name isn\u2019t Michael Bloomberg, I found a story about how to become \u201cuber-rich,\u201d which means there\u2019s still hope. I could become a billionaire in five easy lessons, but I\u2019d have to enroll in the billionaire training program. The story cited Warren Buffett\u2019s advice on how to \u201cturn $40 into $10 million.\u201d It was Buffett, the No. 2 billionaire in America, who famously noted that if you invested $40 in Coca-Cola in 1919, when it was first publicly traded, you\u2019d have mucho dinero today \u2014 almost $10 million. Unfortunately, I don\u2019t have 95 years to sit on a $40 investment, so that idea is out the window. Then I read a column from Inc.com about the habits of billionaires. It said they\u2019re ordinary people like you and me and the Kardashians. Mark Zuckerberg, for example, drives a Volkswagen. Do billionaires wash their own underwear? Do they shine their own shoes? Do they step into their pants one leg at a time, or two? I need answers. When billionaires fail, the article said, they learn from their mistakes, sort of like Alex Rodriguez. They\u2019re health-conscious, they\u2019re frugal, and they \u201cswim against the tide,\u201d which presents a problem because I have trouble even swimming with the tide. Plus I hate being frugal, so there\u2019s no way I can save my way into billionairehood. I\u2019ve had my share of failures, but they haven\u2019t made me rich. However, I eat Greek yogurt, drink green tea and recently bought a Vitamix, which probably costs as much as Zuckerberg\u2019s Volkswagen. After a lot of research and soul-searching, I concluded it\u2019s my destiny to become a billionaire, so I\u2019ve developed a plan. I\u2019m going to take Warren Buffett\u2019s advice and invest $40 a week in \u2026 Powerball tickets. I\u2019ll also pray a lot and promise to give a hefty portion of my winnings to the appropriate charities, because when I become a billionaire, I want to do good, so I\u2019m sure God will look favorably on my petition and then rig the lottery for me to win, not once, but several times. Watch your back, Bill Gates. I\u2019m coming. Joe Pisani may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.