I\u2019ve become one of those very annoying people who forward email to everyone, even my enemies ... especially my enemies. What better way to drive them crazy than by clogging their in-boxes? (Don\u2019t give me your email address because I can\u2019t control myself.) Let me confess, though, that I don\u2019t have a Twitter account and wasn\u2019t involved in spreading the nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, Lassie, Mister Ed and a hundred other celebrities whose accounts were hacked. I leave that sort of activity to the criminal element. I\u2019m more interested in forwarding prayer chains that guarantee you\u2019ll receive $250,000 in three days in an unmarked envelope if you say a certain prayer to St. Jude, patron saint of hopeless cases, or St. Anthony of the Desert, patron of acne sufferers. Then, I\u2019ll share the email with 30 other friends within 15 minutes \u2014 because there\u2019s always a time limit. When I get one of those, I immediately stop working on the important project my boss has been waiting for since September 2013 to start sharing that email. Life is all about priorities and I want to keep mine in order, largely because I could really use $250,000 for my retirement savings. Did I also mention that the prayer chain said if I didn\u2019t forward the email to 30 friends and\/or enemies that some terrible, life-threatening catastrophe might befall me, worse than an IRS audit? That\u2019s really a game changer. People who don\u2019t comply have been known to suffer serious consequences, which leads me to believe Don Corleone may be behind these prayer chains. So I promptly get to work at my computer, annoying friends and foes alike in the interests of self-preservation. In all sincerity, I believe in the power of prayer and I\u2019m convinced we don\u2019t do enough of it. I\u2019m also convinced this world would be a better place if we did more of it, but some of the stuff that passes for prayer on the Internet can be really creepy and comes with a lot of fine print. I have never before heard of novenas with death threats and cash rewards. And come to think of it, I don\u2019t know of any cases where someone woke up and found $250,000 in a brown paper bag on the doorstep, which probably means there\u2019s a ton of unclaimed money out there that needs to be given away. The Internet offers us exciting opportunities, and we should take advantage of them but only on company time ... because you wouldn\u2019t want to waste valuable personal time that you could devote to something meaningful like watching home videos of Jessica Simpson\u2019s wedding or prepping for your semiannual colonoscopy. I also love clogging my friends\u2019 in-boxes with bizarre stories about gerbils that won the lottery, Bill Clinton, Nicki Minaj, and pets that save their owners from fires and bankruptcy. People want to feel wanted, and what better way to show them they\u2019re wanted than by sharing absolutely insane and inane and unsolicited emails that inspire them to hit the delete button and mutter, \u201cWhy is this nitwit sending me this junk?\u201d By forwarding news about killer asteroids headed toward planet Earth, I keep in touch with my loved ones. That\u2019s valuable information because if there\u2019s a killer asteroid on the way, we don\u2019t need to save for retirement. And I never miss an opportunity to forward stories that say the government is planning to implant computer chips in Americans to ensure prompt filing of income tax returns. I also love stories about retirement planning with headlines that say \u201c15 ways to retire by 75,\u201d which generally include advice like \u201cFundamental principles of corporate embezzlement.\u201d My other all-time favorites are gossip stories about Hollywood breakups of couples like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Whatshisname, Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, and Jay Z and Beyonc\u00e9 \u2014 I could go on all day. So be sure to send me your email address and get on my very special VIP mailing list so you can start receiving this exciting news absolutely free of charge, under penalty of death. Joe Pisani may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.