In my unending pursuit of scientific knowledge, I came upon a piece of research with major implications for parents everywhere. A study by the University of Helsinki in Finland showed that unborn babies not only hear what you say, but also remember it after they\u2019re born. Uhh ohh. Finally, I have an answer to something that\u2019s puzzled me for decades. When my first daughter popped out in the delivery room, instead of \u201cWaaaaa waaaaa waaaaa,\u201d we heard \u201c*@#**&$%#$&!!\u201d No more swearing for me. Never underestimate the power of a bad example. Pre-parents \u2014 I just invented that term \u2014 should be careful what they say because it will come back to haunt them. Those unborn babies are taking notes. I can still remember the nights I\u2019d listen to my wife talking gently to our daughters, frolicking and kicking in the womb while we lay in bed. Inevitably, I\u2019d roll over and say, \u201cCould you two break it up so I can get some sleep? I have to catch the early train.\u201d But they didn\u2019t listen. My wife would be telling her how Dow Jones performed that day, and my daughter would be offering advice on how to invest her college fund. One kick for stocks, two kicks for bonds. If I had known about the importance of pre-natal discussion back then, things would have been different. I would have invested heavily in Rosetta Stone language CDs for Spanish and Chinese, along with Martha Stewart tapes on grilling, and pre-pre-med instructional videos. I always wanted a doctor in the family who could grill a good piece of salmon. The Helsinki study, which was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, showed that fetuses remember what their mothers said. Researchers tested 33 pregnant women who listened to CDs with different made-up words. After birth, the babies recognized what they\u2019d heard in utero. Eino Partanen, author of the report, said, \u201cWe have known that fetuses can learn certain sounds from their environment during pregnancy.\u201d But fetuses do more than merely hear words; they can also \u201cdetect subtle changes and process complex information.\u201d Another study concluded that unborn babies developed attachments to the melodies of soap operas their mothers were watching and later responded when they heard the tunes. Here\u2019s some free advice for moms-to-be: Turn off the heavy metal music and don\u2019t watch Real Housewives of New Jersey. And at all costs, avoid Miley Cyrus or the baby could come out twerking and wagging its tongue like a rabid Chihuahua. Give your kids a head-start on a normal life because there will be plenty of trash to pollute their minds later on. If I could do it all over again, I would develop an in-utero parenting program. I would encourage my kids-to-be to pursue noble causes and practice volunteerism by, say, helping with yard work. You see, it\u2019s a lonely life cutting the lawn and raking leaves by myself. Our discussion would go something like this: \u201cHello, how are you today? I\u2019m your father.\u201d No response. No \u201cgoo-goo,\u201d no \u201cga-ga.\u201d Not even a kick. \u201cAre you a boy or girl?\u201d No response. \u201cI can\u2019t wait until you\u2019re born. I\u2019m very excited because I need someone to help with the yard work \u2026 I\u2019m willing to pay you an allowance.\u201d My wife feels a little kick, or maybe it\u2019s just gas. Then again, it could be a reaction to my offer to pay an allowance. She must be a girl. Later, I try to broaden my presumed daughter\u2019s horizons with a Spanish lesson: \u201cHola, me llama Jose, tu padre. Me gusta escuchar musica, pero no me gusta trabajo de la yarda.\u201d Still no response. At least when my wife coos, there\u2019s a kick or two. So I tell her, \u201cAsk if I should buy Apple stock.\u201d \u201cShould Daddy buy Apple stock? Kick once for \u2018yes\u2019 or twice for \u2018no.\u2019\u201d A vigorous kick. Forget the yard work. This kid is headed for Wall Street. Joe Pisani may be reached at email@example.com.